Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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