This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
