seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
