On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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