Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
