Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
