All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
