Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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