Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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