I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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