NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am available for nakedness
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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