okay pat passed out under dana's car
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
