Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
