The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
