Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Houston, we have a blender
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
