Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
