She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
