I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Randomize
