the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
