What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
