going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
