I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
