I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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