could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
