I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
