she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
