moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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