Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
As shirtless as possible
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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