Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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