god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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