Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
