I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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