I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
