woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
