Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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