Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
