I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
