that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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