Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
