this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
