Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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