We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
