So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
