the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
