I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
