Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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