Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Enjoy the penises
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
that may or may not have been my penis.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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