the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
