Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
