apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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