yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
