Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
