Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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