my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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