The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
